Monday 4 May 2015

Examination.

....and now for something completely different.

I tried this out as yet another blog, another place for me to put thoughts, stories, photos. Turns out that there are many platforms out there great for such. I feel that for this nook there is an expectation hanging in there - I have to attract, produce, fulfill expectations. Entertain. Exist. Be. 

Enough of all that. From now on, this is where I examine. 

A wise woman once said that reflecting on your life makes it exceptionally richer, whether that is through therapy, church or a book club. One needs to live an examined life. I find it hard to put on here, and at this very moment I am trying to find a distraction to distract me from the task of writing this., Just now, over dishwashing, thoughts came to me in a very clear and organized manner. I need to find a way to waterproof this laptop...

In my opinion, this is what my examined life will start with. I am a fucked up human being. There is a long list of things that are very wrong about me. I want to seek help, and every evening I put it on my calendar, only to not go. The acknowledgement of being officially insane is a big one to swallow. Also, I do not have healthcare, cannot afford regular therapy. Luckily, here in Finland there's a place where immigrants in need can go to if they need assistance in mental matters. I have been planning on going there, but I am reluctant. Things have not been so bleak that I've found myself with one leg swung over the railing of the bridge (and I do not want to block the place of someone truly in need of help), although things are slowly but steadily moving in that direction.

My boyfriend is the reason I am not a homeless baglady under the bridge. He is the most amazing being there ever will be, and I am convinced I am trying to push him away. If only he gave up on me too - finally, then there would be no more people and I can give up on myself too. 

I am not sure if I am heading in that direction, though I am determined to find out.

Can I somehow find a way through to (in)sanity by reflecting, seeking, putting it into words?  That is what I will be doing here. My mind is a chaos, my life is a gutter, and I put myself in this position. I do not know how to get out. Therefore, I need help doing so. Whether that is through writing, a lady behind a desk, or a bottle full of pills and a well aimed swing from a bridge. On here, I will put every last thought that's going through my mind, looking for answers. 

Why am I the way I am? Why are the things so normal for others so difficult for me? How can I stop the raging anxiety that lingers in the background all day? Am I a truly bad person?

Answers will come through reflection - diaries, links, people I talk to. Maybe it can help you, too. Maybe you feel anxious, and alone, and desperate, and you feel like you don't fit in to normal society. I don't mean to be a narcissist, or selfish. This is my journey to (in)sanity though, so things will be from the point of my two eyeballs. I will try to tell the things the way they are, and that may not always be pleasing or put in a kosher way. I will have to free write these diaries a lot, as there are always a 1000 other things to do to keep me from the thing that could be vital. Therefore, there will be typos and grammar mistakes and whatnots. If you have a comment, write it down and ask your neighbor. I do not want to know about it. 

If you want more pictures: go to Google, any other place than here. Modelling is not glamorous, it pays in photos which I cannot turn into groceries and therefore they have no more use. Because my head is such a mess I cannot focus on anything, and I am fatigued and hungry all the time, hence my eyes are dead. Not the most attractive look.