Examination.

....and now for something completely different.

I tried this out as yet another blog, another place for me to put thoughts, stories, photos. Turns out that there are many platforms out there great for such. I feel that for this nook there is an expectation hanging in there - I have to attract, produce, fulfill expectations. Entertain. Exist. Be. 

Enough of all that. From now on, this is where I examine. 

A wise woman once said that reflecting on your life makes it exceptionally richer, whether that is through therapy, church or a book club. One needs to live an examined life. I find it hard to put on here, and at this very moment I am trying to find a distraction to distract me from the task of writing this., Just now, over dishwashing, thoughts came to me in a very clear and organized manner. I need to find a way to waterproof this laptop...

In my opinion, this is what my examined life will start with. I am a fucked up human being. There is a long list of things that are very wrong about me. I want to seek help, and every evening I put it on my calendar, only to not go. The acknowledgement of being officially insane is a big one to swallow. Also, I do not have healthcare, cannot afford regular therapy. Luckily, here in Finland there's a place where immigrants in need can go to if they need assistance in mental matters. I have been planning on going there, but I am reluctant. Things have not been so bleak that I've found myself with one leg swung over the railing of the bridge (and I do not want to block the place of someone truly in need of help), although things are slowly but steadily moving in that direction.

My boyfriend is the reason I am not a homeless baglady under the bridge. He is the most amazing being there ever will be, and I am convinced I am trying to push him away. If only he gave up on me too - finally, then there would be no more people and I can give up on myself too. 

I am not sure if I am heading in that direction, though I am determined to find out.

Can I somehow find a way through to (in)sanity by reflecting, seeking, putting it into words?  That is what I will be doing here. My mind is a chaos, my life is a gutter, and I put myself in this position. I do not know how to get out. Therefore, I need help doing so. Whether that is through writing, a lady behind a desk, or a bottle full of pills and a well aimed swing from a bridge. On here, I will put every last thought that's going through my mind, looking for answers. 

Why am I the way I am? Why are the things so normal for others so difficult for me? How can I stop the raging anxiety that lingers in the background all day? Am I a truly bad person?

Answers will come through reflection - diaries, links, people I talk to. Maybe it can help you, too. Maybe you feel anxious, and alone, and desperate, and you feel like you don't fit in to normal society. I don't mean to be a narcissist, or selfish. This is my journey to (in)sanity though, so things will be from the point of my two eyeballs. I will try to tell the things the way they are, and that may not always be pleasing or put in a kosher way. I will have to free write these diaries a lot, as there are always a 1000 other things to do to keep me from the thing that could be vital. Therefore, there will be typos and grammar mistakes and whatnots. If you have a comment, write it down and ask your neighbor. I do not want to know about it. 

If you want more pictures: go to Google, any other place than here. Modelling is not glamorous, it pays in photos which I cannot turn into groceries and therefore they have no more use. Because my head is such a mess I cannot focus on anything, and I am fatigued and hungry all the time, hence my eyes are dead. Not the most attractive look. 

How to make a Geek.

Adam Savage has a podcast -the Adam Savage Project-  and I find it one of the most inspiring things out there. I browsed back to the first few episodes, and one standing out I think is episode 3, on being a geek dad.

It's amazing listening to geeks, first of all. They're people filled with excitement for whatever they are passionate about, which can be anything. Isn't that cool? In this podcast episode it's all about how to allow your kid to find out what his/her passion is, and to enable him/her to do that wholeheartedly. For Adam, it was crafting, making things out of other things. For his kids, it's music. It's all possible, and it's all equally awesome!

One quote towards the end of the broadcast stood out in particular:

'...enabling your kid to be obsessive, and then allowing them to fail.' 

I find the ideas they pitch here fascinating, and hope I can mirror them some day in the future. It's not easy when, as a kid, you're wanting to learn ballet, only to hear after class that you're not dancing the right way. As mentioned in this podcast, such an attitude makes a kid too self conscious which backfires at a later age. For me it sure did.

I often feel silly and stupid for the things I chose to like as a result of a lot of negative feedback in the early years. I love mushrooms, for instance, and in autumn I like to go out and about collecting them with the mushroom knife, and determine my finds later on. but in the back of my head there's always that voice belittling my hobbies, saying they're dumb, saying I am not doing it right.

Therefore, from now on, I too shall live with the passion of a geek. It's good enough to merely be interested in something, find out about it, make it your own. There is no right or wrong. Working in a fashion-y field made me interesting in sewing, and a week ago I made three pillow cases, and I felt amazing.

Let's hear it for the Geeks!

   

On creepy stuff

So we don't need tall chicks to model for us anymore. We can now build them ourselves! Real pros use something called Photoshop but for the peanut gallery good old Paint will do the trick. Voilá!

Thoughts on vermin.

Bureaucrats make living in this world a painstaking misery. I wish I could retire to a cabin near Kajaani and only resurface for Hesburger every now and then, but apart from those visits avoid 'the others' at all costs.

'Kafka-esque' is the word I am looking for.
This I plastered on Facebook in a wee moment of weakness.
The following comments on this post made by me, were not plastered on Facebook but i feel a need to plaster them.... somewhere. So here we go.

@Hesburger ! Hi, if you're listening: I love your fries! They're the best in the whole wide world. They bring me back to the land of the living, and I don't care what anybody else says when I say: You're the best. Will you hire me? Can I be your publicist and spread the word about your fries and everything else? Now that's a load I am willing to carry. I am working for pictures now, and they don't taste as good as fries.

I just spent the very rest of my savings calling to a country that should have been extinct and below the sea, but unfortunately is still there, with their 16something billion whining people. No progress was made, what so bleeping ever, and I don't care if I am writing in a passive. Is now the time to ask the Germans a favor?

Stop flooding my inbox with notifications that you 'received my request, and will respond within three working days'. Just get the fucking job done before Friday please and thank you, otherwise I'll feel an urge of necessity to get over there and hunt your ass down with a blowtorch.

The reason for these tirades are, that I spent all my day and cash trying to get something done. The result was, that it did not get done. It is, in fact, now an even bigger mash of paper and more paper, and people avoiding clear communication at all cost. When they need to form a bridge to a neighboring department, they dig a trench instead and sort of crawl until they hit their head, and then it's time for coffee. 

Ohne Dress.

Oscar night is up on us. I'm a couple of timezones away, so that's why I'm writing this laying on the couch at 1 am -wide awake. For some reason my mind isn't any of them sleeping vibes.

But, movies! I've certainly seen a whole bunch of them.  I'm not a 62 year old white male, and I believe that is what it takes these days to be considered a connoisseur. But that's another rant, for another day. I'm here as a self proclaimed gownomaniac having a say in the #askhermore debate.

Don't get me wrong -I love dresses! I love wearing them and seeing them being worn right. I love them seeing hitting the runways (even with me in it); that's where they're at their best. Now, your regular Jane may not be too familiar with every designer out there. An award show watched by millions is a nice investment for a designer to get his/her name out in the wide yonder. Jane may not be able to afford a couture gown by designer X or Y, but a perfume or a pair of sunglasses for sure.

That's a nice pocket of extra cash. And if a reporter skips over questions as 'who are you wearing?', then the whole dress-up marketing strategy didn't work, and that's when people get angry. Whereas, of course, as a leading lady at the Oscars, with you name slathered on posters (old school Hollywood style, or at least that's how it should be), there may be better questions for you out there. And it can be very frustrating to pot up all relevancy about character build up and career challenges, because the reporter-monkey will only ask you to twirl....

It is indeed ridiculous. A woman all wrapped in spanx should not be allowed to answer questions regarding her trade. This could be a sign of to much oxygen coming through to her head, and that's when crazy talk starts to come out ( Woman! Know. Your. Limits!).

Isn't that what the Academy Awards are all about, though? A celebration of talent and achievements in the film industry? Regardless of who it's by, the dress should come secondary, as we're there to celebrate an actress's success. The gown is not the point of their evening; their careers are!

Why not create a specially dedicated feature in Vogue, Harper's, style.com etc. (These are already major celebrity platforms) solely focusing on the leading ladies in their gowns. Have it come out on the Monday so each gown is still fresh. Celebrate them so we can admire the gowns, tear them out and pin them on our walls, drooling. I believe, that there are right times and places for fashion worshippers and celebrities to get together and play the ancient game of chique.

P.s.: obviously, obviously, I could not leave you hanging without Kevin Spacey and his Spanx. So, tadaaaa! Happy 2015 old white men's award show night! 😘😘😘