Examination.

....and now for something completely different.

I tried this out as yet another blog, another place for me to put thoughts, stories, photos. Turns out that there are many platforms out there great for such. I feel that for this nook there is an expectation hanging in there - I have to attract, produce, fulfill expectations. Entertain. Exist. Be. 

Enough of all that. From now on, this is where I examine. 

A wise woman once said that reflecting on your life makes it exceptionally richer, whether that is through therapy, church or a book club. One needs to live an examined life. I find it hard to put on here, and at this very moment I am trying to find a distraction to distract me from the task of writing this., Just now, over dishwashing, thoughts came to me in a very clear and organized manner. I need to find a way to waterproof this laptop...

In my opinion, this is what my examined life will start with. I am a fucked up human being. There is a long list of things that are very wrong about me. I want to seek help, and every evening I put it on my calendar, only to not go. The acknowledgement of being officially insane is a big one to swallow. Also, I do not have healthcare, cannot afford regular therapy. Luckily, here in Finland there's a place where immigrants in need can go to if they need assistance in mental matters. I have been planning on going there, but I am reluctant. Things have not been so bleak that I've found myself with one leg swung over the railing of the bridge (and I do not want to block the place of someone truly in need of help), although things are slowly but steadily moving in that direction.

My boyfriend is the reason I am not a homeless baglady under the bridge. He is the most amazing being there ever will be, and I am convinced I am trying to push him away. If only he gave up on me too - finally, then there would be no more people and I can give up on myself too. 

I am not sure if I am heading in that direction, though I am determined to find out.

Can I somehow find a way through to (in)sanity by reflecting, seeking, putting it into words?  That is what I will be doing here. My mind is a chaos, my life is a gutter, and I put myself in this position. I do not know how to get out. Therefore, I need help doing so. Whether that is through writing, a lady behind a desk, or a bottle full of pills and a well aimed swing from a bridge. On here, I will put every last thought that's going through my mind, looking for answers. 

Why am I the way I am? Why are the things so normal for others so difficult for me? How can I stop the raging anxiety that lingers in the background all day? Am I a truly bad person?

Answers will come through reflection - diaries, links, people I talk to. Maybe it can help you, too. Maybe you feel anxious, and alone, and desperate, and you feel like you don't fit in to normal society. I don't mean to be a narcissist, or selfish. This is my journey to (in)sanity though, so things will be from the point of my two eyeballs. I will try to tell the things the way they are, and that may not always be pleasing or put in a kosher way. I will have to free write these diaries a lot, as there are always a 1000 other things to do to keep me from the thing that could be vital. Therefore, there will be typos and grammar mistakes and whatnots. If you have a comment, write it down and ask your neighbor. I do not want to know about it. 

If you want more pictures: go to Google, any other place than here. Modelling is not glamorous, it pays in photos which I cannot turn into groceries and therefore they have no more use. Because my head is such a mess I cannot focus on anything, and I am fatigued and hungry all the time, hence my eyes are dead. Not the most attractive look. 

How to make a Geek.

Adam Savage has a podcast -the Adam Savage Project-  and I find it one of the most inspiring things out there. I browsed back to the first few episodes, and one standing out I think is episode 3, on being a geek dad.

It's amazing listening to geeks, first of all. They're people filled with excitement for whatever they are passionate about, which can be anything. Isn't that cool? In this podcast episode it's all about how to allow your kid to find out what his/her passion is, and to enable him/her to do that wholeheartedly. For Adam, it was crafting, making things out of other things. For his kids, it's music. It's all possible, and it's all equally awesome!

One quote towards the end of the broadcast stood out in particular:

'...enabling your kid to be obsessive, and then allowing them to fail.' 

I find the ideas they pitch here fascinating, and hope I can mirror them some day in the future. It's not easy when, as a kid, you're wanting to learn ballet, only to hear after class that you're not dancing the right way. As mentioned in this podcast, such an attitude makes a kid too self conscious which backfires at a later age. For me it sure did.

I often feel silly and stupid for the things I chose to like as a result of a lot of negative feedback in the early years. I love mushrooms, for instance, and in autumn I like to go out and about collecting them with the mushroom knife, and determine my finds later on. but in the back of my head there's always that voice belittling my hobbies, saying they're dumb, saying I am not doing it right.

Therefore, from now on, I too shall live with the passion of a geek. It's good enough to merely be interested in something, find out about it, make it your own. There is no right or wrong. Working in a fashion-y field made me interesting in sewing, and a week ago I made three pillow cases, and I felt amazing.

Let's hear it for the Geeks!

   

On creepy stuff

So we don't need tall chicks to model for us anymore. We can now build them ourselves! Real pros use something called Photoshop but for the peanut gallery good old Paint will do the trick. Voilá!

Thoughts on vermin.

Bureaucrats make living in this world a painstaking misery. I wish I could retire to a cabin near Kajaani and only resurface for Hesburger every now and then, but apart from those visits avoid 'the others' at all costs.

'Kafka-esque' is the word I am looking for.
This I plastered on Facebook in a wee moment of weakness.
The following comments on this post made by me, were not plastered on Facebook but i feel a need to plaster them.... somewhere. So here we go.

@Hesburger ! Hi, if you're listening: I love your fries! They're the best in the whole wide world. They bring me back to the land of the living, and I don't care what anybody else says when I say: You're the best. Will you hire me? Can I be your publicist and spread the word about your fries and everything else? Now that's a load I am willing to carry. I am working for pictures now, and they don't taste as good as fries.

I just spent the very rest of my savings calling to a country that should have been extinct and below the sea, but unfortunately is still there, with their 16something billion whining people. No progress was made, what so bleeping ever, and I don't care if I am writing in a passive. Is now the time to ask the Germans a favor?

Stop flooding my inbox with notifications that you 'received my request, and will respond within three working days'. Just get the fucking job done before Friday please and thank you, otherwise I'll feel an urge of necessity to get over there and hunt your ass down with a blowtorch.

The reason for these tirades are, that I spent all my day and cash trying to get something done. The result was, that it did not get done. It is, in fact, now an even bigger mash of paper and more paper, and people avoiding clear communication at all cost. When they need to form a bridge to a neighboring department, they dig a trench instead and sort of crawl until they hit their head, and then it's time for coffee. 

Ohne Dress.

Oscar night is up on us. I'm a couple of timezones away, so that's why I'm writing this laying on the couch at 1 am -wide awake. For some reason my mind isn't any of them sleeping vibes.

But, movies! I've certainly seen a whole bunch of them.  I'm not a 62 year old white male, and I believe that is what it takes these days to be considered a connoisseur. But that's another rant, for another day. I'm here as a self proclaimed gownomaniac having a say in the #askhermore debate.

Don't get me wrong -I love dresses! I love wearing them and seeing them being worn right. I love them seeing hitting the runways (even with me in it); that's where they're at their best. Now, your regular Jane may not be too familiar with every designer out there. An award show watched by millions is a nice investment for a designer to get his/her name out in the wide yonder. Jane may not be able to afford a couture gown by designer X or Y, but a perfume or a pair of sunglasses for sure.

That's a nice pocket of extra cash. And if a reporter skips over questions as 'who are you wearing?', then the whole dress-up marketing strategy didn't work, and that's when people get angry. Whereas, of course, as a leading lady at the Oscars, with you name slathered on posters (old school Hollywood style, or at least that's how it should be), there may be better questions for you out there. And it can be very frustrating to pot up all relevancy about character build up and career challenges, because the reporter-monkey will only ask you to twirl....

It is indeed ridiculous. A woman all wrapped in spanx should not be allowed to answer questions regarding her trade. This could be a sign of to much oxygen coming through to her head, and that's when crazy talk starts to come out ( Woman! Know. Your. Limits!).

Isn't that what the Academy Awards are all about, though? A celebration of talent and achievements in the film industry? Regardless of who it's by, the dress should come secondary, as we're there to celebrate an actress's success. The gown is not the point of their evening; their careers are!

Why not create a specially dedicated feature in Vogue, Harper's, style.com etc. (These are already major celebrity platforms) solely focusing on the leading ladies in their gowns. Have it come out on the Monday so each gown is still fresh. Celebrate them so we can admire the gowns, tear them out and pin them on our walls, drooling. I believe, that there are right times and places for fashion worshippers and celebrities to get together and play the ancient game of chique.

P.s.: obviously, obviously, I could not leave you hanging without Kevin Spacey and his Spanx. So, tadaaaa! Happy 2015 old white men's award show night! 😘😘😘

Friday freakout - what topped the scale this week

It's Friday! Time for a healthy dose of reflection upon the events of the week.

Last week HSK exam: went horrible. Don't want to talk about it. if you still make me, I'll talk nothing but Mandarin Chinese with ye for the rest of your days remaining. In a taxi driver's accent. Ye'd be warned.

a preview:

Last Saturday: international Finland day. Lots of dresses. Because i have the short term memories comparable to a goldfish, I forgot how to type 'dress parade' in Finnish into Google, so that gallery is still in draft.

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Aired! But I still haven't seen it becausr the links don't work. I'm patient though. I read a very interesting article on Jezebel, concerning the Angles and their candy consumption. I can only pray that is true, now I have another reason to squeeze myself into the castings for next year. Speaking of candy: 2005! in all their glory

I asked for directions on the modelling forum, and my-oh-my did I hear about it! Dull, one dimensional, non-artistic, boring, un-inspiring slab of junk you are Doris! One fellow made me cry, but it's possible my ladyparts were responsible for that too a little bit cos it's the chocolate time of the month.

So now I'm leaning how to code. #nerdsrule

潘家园

This may as well be one of my favorite places in 北京. It's an antique market (Panjiayuan market), that carries anything from jewelry and all types of crockery to calligraphy equipment and old Beijing opera costumes, brightly colored furniture and all kinds of paperwork. Isn't it great to discover a market like this, and just spend hour after hour browsing through it all? 

The first time I stumbled upon this gem of a place, was after my first time working for the television. The studio was all the way in the South of the city, it was a long day, it was very cold.... all great circumstances to annoy a person. Until I took the wrong exit out of the subway, and all of a sudden ran into this gentleman playing catch with his birds. I got curious about what else would be going on at this place, and after a short walk I found myself at the entrance of the 潘家园 antique heaven.

I've been back there many times, told everyone all about it, yet never saw it being trampled by Laowai. If you're in the area and looking for something original, go visit this place, and be amazed! 

All the nick nacks one can carry <3 

itsenäisyyspäivää. That's a lot of dots for a lot of a's.

Yesterday, December 6th, a day in honour of a Saint (Nicolas), the wind spew snowflakes left and right; a good day for a part. Finnish Independence day, to be exact.

Now, I'm not entirely new to the phenomenon, as I celebrated Finland day before. Last year, to be exact, in Beijing. Where it undoubtedly was very cold too, perhaps no snow, a quadruple amount of pollution and a pile of beer that refused to quit. I remember flags, Finns, a speech, a heap of blue wigs, and a game of darts.

No parades, no happy, flag waving people dancing on the streets. Instead, there's a 3 hour item on television, about the president. First he waves to a parade in front of his house, where he stands on the balcony with his first lady, doing his best not to shiver, because it's cold out and they didn't wear a jacket. Later, they took to the inside where they received all kind of rich bozo's important people; veterans, athletes, Teemu, you name it. Now pay attention  as this is apparently the main event of the evening.

The first thing I noticed, was the overall mood, from the ladies, mostly. I'd think, that meeting the president and his wife, shaking their hands, have a few words of small talk, would put a certain amount of pizzazz to one's daily routine. Shake things up a bit. Excitement! Would that not bring some sort of expression on someone's face? Not quite. Many people  seemed untouched (and downright bored)by it all, and iffy to get the hell out of there.

My latest fashion show was in Tampere, featuring an array of Finnish design (photos later), so despite not knowing who was who, I could certainly tell my Jukka Rintala;s from my Saaga Designs (there was one, and it was gorgeous. WHY can't I find it online anywhere??) before the commentators did. And luckily, among a stream of obligatory polyester numbers, and a lot of people took it upon themselves to show up in traditional costume (which is truly fantastic, and they should have their picture on the front of all the tabloids). Apart from those, there were dresses made out of recycled coffee cups, dresses so fluffy and pink they made my teeth turn to liquid, the lady from the students union wore something graphic with really cool colors.

Honestly, I'd love to participate in a more productive way (which I later sort of did, with beerpong), but considering I don't know who all of those people are (Didn't know any of them except from Teemu). I'm guessing my favorites are a lot different from what newspaper editors were thinking (Here's a link to Iltasanomat, with an obligatory stream of safely dressed swedes not smiling). Either way, many things stood out. I'll put up a picture parade later, as all I could find was either the boring ones, or last year's standouts. And only the finest here!

Wings.

Happy Victoria's Secret day everyone!

Allow me to journey back to the day where I was living in Beijing, and had just booked my first gig. My very first official gig, after months of unsuccessful castings and agents who gave me the silent treatment. I was over the moon. It didn't matter that the show would be in Shenyang, and 'oh btw, it is a lingerie show'. I got booked for a thing, and I was excited!

Shenyang in the morning

One faithful evening we took to the railway station, where me, my buddy and 6 grumpy Russians boarded a night train that would took us to a place that was far, cold, and very windy. Me and buddy were excited, shared cheeseburgers and watched  the official VSFS from the two years before. We were all amazed by the spectacle, debating who looked the prettiest and how to walk 'The Walk', exactly.

We'd spend the whole next day (Christmas eve) in a hotel, rehearsing, getting our hair done, trying to take a nap. During our fitting it became clear that all of us would be walking in a Victoria's Secret rip-off event, as part of an event for Christmas. There were all kind of performances, kids doing acrobatics, kids in the audience, and we in panties and bras with wings, and other skimpy outfits.

Wings!  

But I was still very excited, as it was my very first time I'd ever set foot on a runway, or in this case, a stage (with steps), and the wings they gave me were huge and heavy.

I had no idea these kind of shows are a re-occuring thing in China, and they put me in all kinds of wings, on all kinds of wobbly stages, all the time. It's kind of fun. You learn how to be suspicious of confetti canons because they contain a matter that makes solid ground turn in to a surface on which to fall down and to never get up.

So, that first show kicked off a stream of wings and embarrassing moments. filled with sequins hastily glued on a pair of knickers that grandma would appreciate. Wings that were usually very pretty, but often also very heavy and impossible to wear gracefully. Always on a wobbly stage, always in front of an audience existing of somewhat important local people (old men).

Two happy models in an elevator

Shenyang by night

Skimpy outfit #3

The Stage

to fizzle or to Bang?

I've had bangs for most of my life, as (or as my mom would argue) it would make my tiny narrow head seem more normal shaped. My mommy-biggest dearest would call a fringeless-face a 'bare-ass head', so that was possibly another motivation for me to keep my fringe. 

When I was little the fringe bothered me, then it became my statement (partly also because of Lanvin FW 2010), and after that it was just this thing that was a part of my forehead - always there. The Thing that would not leave. 

Currently though I am in the process of growing my bangs out. This decision came hand in hand with growing my entire hair out as I had it very short for a while.  I suspect 'them' throwing short haired girls in front of rapidly moving objects though (But everyone looks so alike and so dull and so bimbo-esque with their perfectly styled long plastic curls... and then here I come marching in with my toilet brush hairdo )

My hair is very fine, so having my full fringe growing together with the rest will  - hopefully- give me a bit more volume. Only thing is, now I have these baby hairs at the front popping up like antennas, and impossible to tame down. Except when I decide to cut my bangs back. But then how will I continue to plot with outer space?Which brings us to.....


The Saturday Night dance-off! :D 

Fuse ODG feat. Wyclef Jean - Antenna

China's neglected backyard

Hebei province seen from the train looks like China's neglected backyard. I noticed that on one of my last trips for work. 'Work', where getting dressed up as princess Bubblegum means a positive turn of events.

Usually any of the train trips I had to take so far it was foggy (= heavily polluted) and therefore I was unable to look around much. Or, we left ridiculously early (or late) so it was already dark. One time, however, it was squeaky bright. I could see Tianjin and the Tianjin tower from the window of my train, and before that moment I only knew of Tianjin because one of the stations we'd pass was called 'Tianjin West'. Also there were villages, and abandoned factories, and piles of stuff, and peasants toiling in the heat. All by all, it looked like a neglected backyard (a backyard nonetheless).

I must have pictures somewhere that will paint a picture. Once I took as video as we crossed the Yellow River (in fog and haze), other times I'd try to commemorate the view in combination with a can of beer, which is never the same on a Chinese train (I've only boarded high speed trains in China. Don't judge! Train travel is still my favorite way of travel. Czech trains in particular. Go try them!).

I've sipped through quite a few epic cans (because there were a lot of trips *ahem*, not so much because I felt a need to drink my sorrows away, although that was usually the case after the gig). There was a specific type that 'American Troopers'  preferred apparently, and there was a beer from Tibet.

And I always felt obligated to, in the first place, plop myself down into the restaurant car the minute the train would start moving. There are plugs there for my laptop, and without chord the screen goes black after 15 minutes. Also, more often than not, the travel companions weren't always the coziest.

Anyway. Let me see what material I can snort up from the hidden nooks and crannies of both phone, camera and hard drive.

This is either very annoying, or incredibly sad, but please tilt your head a 90 degrees to the right in order to view properly. Weekly quiz: what's the guy in the background saying? Send in your lucky guess before next week, and maybe you're the lucky winner of a fresh batch of uncontaminated Yellow River silt! 

It's not easy being Geek....

I learned about a game today, a very intriguing game. The name of the game (according to my friends)  is 'Fuck this game" or 'this game sucks'. There's islands and forests and graveyards in the game, which, I think, all have different colors. Graveyards suck, and so do human wizards. Them's a nasty bunch, because 'Fuck This Game!'

There is also a thing called 'the Black Lotus', which apparently is worth thousands of dollars. We're not talking about ladies from the ancient Orient here, we're just talking humble playing cards.

This game does not even have a board, like with Catan! No sheep to obtain, no villages to raid. There's cards with creatures though, and cards for brainstorming, and mountains which have a color, different from swamps or forests or graveyards.

They're playing this game on an enlarged mouse pad of sorts. One of the guys playing won it. If he would not have won it, he would have counted out ten euro's for it, the enlarged mouse pad (which has the name of the game on it though, and an angry man waving about with a ball of fire. Looks pretty cool).

Did I mention that I don't get this game? There's two huge stacks of cards the table, two players, and each player is supposed to know his stack by heart. There's druids, and swamps (again with the swamp!), creatures, green creatures, elves, forests, but no meadows, because the meadows are still swamps due to lack of technology (I assume the game is set some time in the middle ages, in a parallel universe).

The goal of the game is a it unclear to me. My friends play and practice on a 'quality deck' they found on the world wide web and then printed and photocopied. Buying the whole stack would take too damn long, and would cost too damn much (you can either by packs, or buy single cards from the internet, and those prices tend to be steep).

So, by copying decks from people who know how to play, who have acquired the right cards, you hope to gain enough experience to play in a tournament somewhere and win a load of cash (or, and over sized mouse pad), which you then can flip into more cards. Really good and/or rare cards go for thousands of dollars sometimes on Ebay (the game got invented about 20 years ago, many cards are not being made anymore).

The essential goal of the game? I still don't know. To eventually beat the dude (I think this more of a game for dudes) who got his hands on an original black lotus. However, it does not make for a cosy night of fun and whimsy around a campfire, unfortunately.

You've got mail!

This morning I woke up to find this on my newsstand. Isn't that just the best way to start an icy Monday morning?

A French man with Down syndrome got over 30.000 cards for his birthday on Saturday, after his mom put on a notice on Facebook. Cards and presents started to drip in from all over the world. First a few, then by the truckload, quite literally.

That must have been the best birthday ever! Wish I'd known about it, so I could have chipped in a card and a cake as well. And, going by the motto of 'better late, than never': 

Joyeux Anniversaire, Manuel! :D

Kaljanpaska

Maybe now's a good time to throw in a quick introduction, done the proper way. It might explain the stream of China paraphernalia, cheap dresses and complaints about winter being too damn dark.

I lived in China for little over two years, worked as a model (Here you can read some background and prepare yourself for an array of, let's say, 'colorful' stories) whilst studying.

Swapping Beijing's excitement (the jobs, the drama, the Mojito man) for Finland a few months back was a bit of a culture shock, but I'm adapting accordingly. And learning Finnish. I still like snow, but ask me again in February.

My hobbies include an array of things, many of which I don't know how to share with the folks around me (ever had a conversation about mushroom collecting? Discussing Diana Vreeland and how awesome she was/is? Finding ways to make windmills out of wood?) so I figure I put them here and make more room inside my brain for more gibberish (there cannot be enough gibberish).

So, strap in, and get ready for Mojito man anecdotes, stew recipes and beauty editorials from outer space. It'll all be on here.

Seagulls #1

http://stevenseagulls.com/

These guys are amazing! I saw them cover 'Thunderstruck' by AC/DC on the telly, and they made my morning. And many mornings after that. Gotta love a standing up base and a mandolin and a banjo and a set of spoons for the beat!

On how to get started by not starting at all and simply staring out of the window while poking a stuffed hedgehog.

I once had a blog, a pretty awesome one. and then I moved to China, no longer able to maintaining it (mainly because of this). I suppose it still floats around somewhere in Hyperspace, don't look for it though. And even if you find it, it's in Dutch. So...

Anyways. The amount of gibberish that goes around in my brain is enormous. Kind of like the great swirl of garbage (the Eighth Continent) in the Pacific Ocean. The gibberish needs to exit the system, just like the Pacific Garbage Continent (Yet here at the Daily Doris we firmly believe that procrastination is a virtue...). So I figure I put it all here, instead of bugging my better looking half or worse - random people on the bus.

If I keep this up, I can tell people that I have my own newspaper, and how cool is that? If things really take off, I could even get it to print, become a lumberjack, revive the collapsed paper industry... and then we got a stew going! Stubb will thank me for saving the nation!

We're not there yet, though, but a start is a start, amiright? :D